


i'd rather be with you

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Rose Universe [5]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27436099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: They've been together for over a year and they've been through so much together already, Maddie is starting to think of the future she wants to have with Chimney and Rose.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Rose Universe [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951450
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

Maybe she wasn’t as subtle as she thought she had been because Chimney is practically dragging her home away from the station promising Rose they’d pick her up from Hen and Karen’s house in a few hours. Her heart is thumping uncomfortably against her chest because if Rose can’t even be present in the apartment for the conversation they’re clearly about to have, then it can’t be good.

She feels as though she’s been holding her breath until they’re both standing in their apartment and he’s nervously pacing the floor of the living room as she slips down onto the couch. Maddie can’t help but wonder what it was that gave her away – if it was the rambling on about the fact she had to deliver a baby with barely five minutes warning in the ER that day or the fact that she had teared up when Hen and Karen were showing them baby photo’s of Denny and talking about their hopes of a second child. Maybe it how she had grinned when Rose said being a big sister sounded fun when Maddie had promised Denny it wouldn’t be as bad as he thought he would.

Either way, she knows Chimney has finally caught onto the fact that she’s starting to think of the future they could have with more children. She’d have brought it up to him eventually, but she had spent the last few weeks trying to subtly gage how he’d feel. Rose had been unexpected, he hadn’t even known her mother was pregnant up until he was holding the little girl in his arms at the hospital and suddenly he’s gone from bachelor to single dad in one night. He loved Rose more than anything, there was absolute no doubting that but she definitely wasn’t planned or spoken about.

“We haven’t spoken about that—” He’s still pacing and it’s making her more nervous by the second as she rubs her clammy palms on her jeans, biting down on her lip. “Is that something you want?”

“I mean… I didn’t… before. With Doug. It never felt safe and I didn’t—and then I just kind of stopped thinking about it, I guess.” She can feel her cheeks heating up as she talks and she wishes she didn’t feel so awkward beneath his gaze because he’s looking increasingly stressed by the second, his frown deepening before he pinches the top of his nose. “And I guess because Hen and Karen are trying and I turn thirty-five in a week and obviously Rose doesn’t help because she’s absolutely perfect and I guess I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.” She’s rambling, “But if you don’t—that’s okay, too. I mean, it’s not the end of the world, right? We—we have a family, you have a daughter and I love her, too and…”

“I don’t think I want any more kids, Maddie.”

Somehow hearing him say it out loud hurts more than she could have imagined, her teeth slamming down on her inner cheek as she tries to stop herself from bursting into tears after she had told him it was okay. She doesn’t want to make a liar of herself. Still, she can’t bring herself to say anything, not trusting herself to speak beyond the lump in her throat as she just looks at him and nods her head.

“I’m sorry, I love Rose and I love being a dad, you know that but I was sort of thrown into the deep end there and I still feel like I’m learning and I still let her down sometimes and I just—I don’t know if that’s something I want. I want her to have all of me, all of us, you know?” She doesn’t but she nods her head anyway, moving to grab the cushion off the side as she pulls it to her chest and distracts herself as she idly plays with the zipper. “If it’s important to you Maddie then—”

“I don’t want to break up.” Those words come out quickly, before she can even think about them or stop them from falling from her lips, hating the way her voice breaks as she does. “I don’t… I love you and Rose more than I want anything else. Please don’t—” He’s on his knees in front of her, his hands moving on top of hers and the way he’s looking at her stops the begging she knows is about to be uttered as he shakes his head.

“I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologise for how you feel… at least you were honest, right?” Her fingers move to brush over his cheek as she forces a small smile on her face. “Thank you for telling me the truth.” Doug had told her he wanted all the same things she did before they were married, only to turn around and announce a few years into their marriage that he didn’t want kids and he never had. Of course, it had felt relieving at the time but she’s not sure how far she’d have taken the relationship had she known they didn’t want the same things so early on.

His hand is in hers, moving it towards his lips as he presses a kiss to each of her knuckles as she sighs, “Are you okay?”

Maddie tilts her head to the side as she sniffs, still forcing back the tears, “No, but I will be.” She gently squeezes his cheek as she scrunches her nose up. “Do you wanna go pick up Rose? I just need a little bit of time alone, is that okay?” She doesn’t miss the hurt that crosses his face before he nods his head, standing up before he leans down and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

“I really do love you.”

“I love you, too.”

.

It’s hard not to doubt their relationship, for even a second as she stands under the shower, letting the hot water wash over her. It’s even harder to stop the tears from falling as she finds herself wishing she hadn’t said anything in the first place but also finding herself relieved that at least now she knows that having her own biological child just wasn’t something that was on the cards for her.

She just hopes it won’t hurt as much when she thinks about it in a month or a year, or every single time she sees a baby or a pregnant woman. Partly because she had been happy and she wanted to cling to that more than anything but also because she knows this is the kind of thing that can break two people up no matter how much they love each other. And that’s the furthest thing from what she wants because she’s not sure she can imagine a life without him or Rose in it and she’s definitely not sure she ever wants to. She simply cannot imagine loving anyone as intensely as she loves him or trusting anyone else in the way she does him despite her past.

It’s just something she knows she has to come to terms with should she want a future with him because relying on him changing his mind wasn’t going to make anything easier. Though, the hopeful part of her still clings to the fact he’d said ‘think’ instead of absolutely does not want children with her. The logical part of her thought knows that she can’t rely on that and this is a simple, yet complex case of accepting what she had already accepted when she was in her twenties and knew it wasn’t safe to do so.

It was safe now but the man she loved didn’t want any more children and she had to respect that, no matter how much it hurt. Or leave. Those were her only two options and really, she knows there’s only one that could make her truly happy. It just hurts but she can hope that the pain is only temporary, alleviated by the fact that she loves Rose and Rose loves her and she _has_ a family. It shouldn’t matter that she has no biological connection to the three-year-old because the little girl would never remember life without her and Maddie doesn’t even want to think about a life without her or Chimney.

Two options – stay and never know the feeling of carrying her own child, knowing it’s something she wants or leave and risk never knowing that feeling of being so completely in love and safe and trusting of another man in the way she is Chimney. It’s the easiest decision she’s ever had to make, no matter how much it causes her heart to physically hurt. Rose isn’t _hers_ but she can’t ever imagine loving a child any differently or any more than she does her, she cannot fathom the idea of loving anyone as much as she loves that little girl.

It’s still okay to mourn the loss of something she really wanted though, at least that’s what she tells herself when she’s curled up in bed, scrolling through her phone, seemingly in a world of her own enough that she doesn’t hear Rose come crashing through the door until she’s on top of her with a giggle. Somehow, it never matters what she’s feeling or how bad a day she’s had, the second she hears that laugh and sees those sparkling eyes and that bright smile, everything else melts away. The phone is quickly discarded as her hands move to the little pig tails she had put in her hair that morning, Rose’s hand moving to her still damp hair, fingers gently brushing through as her nose scrunches up. “Missed you.”

“I missed you, too, little star.”

“You and daddy left.” There’s a pout on her lips and Maddie can’t stop the twinge of pain that runs through her when she remembers why they left and the conversation that had followed, wrapping her arms around the little girl as she presses a kiss to the top of her head.

Maddie finds her gaze moving over to the man standing awkwardly by the door, shifting from one foot to the other as he watches the scene in front of him. He knows her well enough to know the thinly veiled pain she’s trying to hide, hating how tears sting her eyes the second she remembers, taking a deep breath because she’s not going to cry in front of Rose. Nothing good could ever come of that other than upsetting the little girl and making her dad feel guiltier than he probably already does. “Why are you sad, Maddie?”

The voice breaks through every thought running through her head right then and her eyes move from Chimney back to the little girl as she captures a tear Maddie hadn’t even realised had fallen. “I’m not sad, baby, I’m just tired and I missed you and your daddy lots and lots.” At least she can see Chimney stepping forward out of the corner of her eye and it gives her some hope that it won’t always be so terribly awkward between them, at least not for long.

“Will a cuddle help?”

Before she can answer, there’s a head diving into the crook of her neck and arms awkwardly wrapping around her as she’s laid down, her own arms moving to pull the tiny girl as closely as she possibly can, “A cuddle from you always helps.” She whispers, smiling as she presses several kisses to the side of her head.

As young as she is, she’s incredibly perceptive and, at times, a little sneaky, tilting her head up a little as the finally rests one hand clumsily brushing through Maddie’s hair and the other for her daddy, “Daddy’s cuddles good too.” She points out and she turns her head to watch him move to the edge of the bed, chewing down on his lip as though he’s waiting for permission. She doesn’t blame him, not really, they’d just had an incredibly difficult and painfully honest conversation and couples had broken up for a lot less. But she had no intention of leaving and she definitely had no intention of letting this wall come between them because of it.

They had Rose and she was enough and the longing had gone away once, she’s sure it can go away again.

“Daddy’s cuddles are very good.” She agrees aloud, in the hopes he’ll get the hint, grateful when, barely a second later, he’s scrambling into the bed next to them and pulling her into his chest when his back hits the mattress. It gives Rose the opportunity to manoeuvre her body so she’s half lying on top of Maddie and half on top of her dad, arms outstretched so she can snuggle into both of them. “Daddy, Maddie and Rosie cuddle.”

The two adults nod their head in agreement, their eyes meeting before she smiles at him, leaning forward to press her lips to his chin, “I love you. Both of you, you’re my family.” The words seem to be all the confirmation he must have needed to hear because she can feel the tension leaving his body when his arm pulls her as closely as she can possibly get and his lips press to her forehead.

“My two favourite girls, love you both.”

“And I love you both!” 

Maddie laughs at the enthusiasm in her voice, nudging her nose into the crook of Chimney’s neck as she lets out a sigh. They were going to be okay, they had to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

The news is good, it’s _amazing_ because she knows how much Karen and Hen wanted to have another baby and she can see the joy on their faces when they make the announcement. It had been months of trying, with one failed round of IVF behind them and now… Maddie’s happy for them, she really is. The smiles and the hugging and the laughter, it’s entirely genuine but she’s still quick to rush out of there with Rose as the little girl chatters excitedly about the baby whilst Maddie does everything she can to avoid making eye contact with her boyfriend.

The weeks following their conversation had been awkward – Maddie still wanted to add to their little family one day and Chimney was still adamant that he absolutely did not want another child. Neither of them had changed their minds, neither of them had even tried to change the other’s because avoidance seemed to be their go-to coping mechanism. The longing was still there for her, as hard as she tried to push it back.

Really, it was made even more difficult by the tiny hand in her own and those brown eyes looking up at her as the little girl tells her all about all the games she’s going to play with her Aunt’s Hen and Karen’s new baby. Luckily, she’s too caught up in the joy of it all to notice how Maddie has practically ushered her away from the happy scene, barely saying goodbye to Chimney as she does.

It’s going to break them if it carries on the way it has for the last few weeks but it’s hard to push past the notion that she’s never going to be a mother when suddenly, after years of not wanting it, its all she can think about. It’s even harder to admit that if she wants it so badly, it won’t be with the man she loves more than she’s ever loved another person and really, how happy would she be without him in her life? How much joy would another child bring over the amount Rose gives her every single day?

It’s not a simple or an easy decision to make but choosing _not_ to have a child of her own to be a part of a family with Chimney and Rose isn’t a difficult decision, either. It’s just a struggle to come to terms with when she had sort of believed that her boyfriend would want the same things she did. He already had a child, so it was even harder to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t want another. It was especially difficult to push back that little voice in the back of her head that perhaps (definitely) came from years of belittling from her own parents and then her husband, telling her that she was the problem. He didn’t want another child with _her._

The excuse of leaving to get some ice cream had been an easy one, it was an especially hot day in LA and Maddie was really feeling it. That’s how she finds herself sitting across from an ice-cream covered Rose, happily singing to herself as she half consumes, half covers her clothes and face with the chocolate ice cream. “Maddie?”

Their eyes meet and there’s that rare serious look on Rose’s face that causes Maddie to pause for a second. She’s only three (and a half, as she keeps reminding them), but she’s wise beyond her years, probably from years of being surrounded by adults. “I made a wish for you.”

“Oh, and what did you wish, little star?” She drops her spoon as she reaches for a napkin, smiling when she reaches over the table to wipe some of the mess from a tiny nose, forcing a grin on her face as she looks at her.

“ _Before_ , I wished for the most perfect mommy.” Those words force her to pause in her movements as she bites down on her lip, gulping down the lump forming in her throat as she does. “And then you came!” It’s said with all the innocence of a little girl who has no clue of the impact the words have on her but the previously forced smile turns genuine as she grins at her, unshed tears stinging her eyes when she nods her head and sniffs.

Maddie thinks about her words for a second, discarding the napkin to carefully cup a sticky chin as she nods her head, “I wished for you, too, sweet girl and you are so much more perfect than I ever could have wished for.” Her thumb brushes softly along her jawline, taking in the girl who looks so much like her father, it shouldn’t be possible but there she is, beaming at her with those brown eyes sparkling and the pain that had been churning in her stomach and burning her chest disappears. Maybe not forever but for now, scrunching up her nose as her hand rests on her cheek as though she’s completely taking in this gorgeous girl who she she’s privileged enough to see grow up more and more every single day. 

“And daddy too?”

Her hand drops and she chuckles, nodding her head, “Oh, yes, I wished for a man as good as your daddy every single day.”

“Daddy _is_ very good.” There’s an immense pride bursting from the girl before she starts digging back into her ice cream, “Maybe we can get a present for Aunt Hen and Aunt Karen?” The subject is changed and Maddie finds herself a little grateful, almost ready to burst into tears of pure joy in a public place, focusing instead on her ice cream as she nods her head.

“That’s a lovely idea, Ro.”


	3. Chapter 3

Maddie sighs as she presses a gentle hand against Rose’s forehead, her frown deepening when she feels just how awful her fever is. She’s a nurse and she loves the little girl, so she knows she absolutely can handle this but it’s still her first time looking after her alone whilst she’s sick and whilst Chimney is on shift.

Still, his constant texts (whilst understandable because he’s Rose’s father) are making her even more anxious as she pulls Rose a little closer to her chest when she sits up in her bed. It’s just a bug, one that had been going around her preschool for the last week, so it hadn’t come as a surprise when she’d gotten a call in the middle of work from the school because they couldn’t get hold of Chimney as he’d been a _little_ busy with a building fire at the time. But it’s Rose and she’s only three and absolutely doesn’t understand why she feels so awfully sick and tired.

Its hard not to wince at the heat she’s giving off when she snuggles a little more into Maddie, small hands clasping around her shoulders as she rests on her lap. She presses her lips against the top of her head, running her fingers through her hair as she softly sings ‘You Are My Sunshine’, gently rocking her.

The singing only stops and her movements momentarily pause when Rose lets out a small whimper, head tilting up to look at her with tear-filled eyes. A tiny hand comes up to press softly against Maddie’s cheek, fingers grazing along her skin, “Love you, mommy.” Teeth slam down a little too harshly on her bottom lip in an attempt to stop the tears from falling as her heart slams against her chest and she pulls her impossibly closer as lips trail against her hairline.

It’s not something she and Chimney have discussed beyond the fact that she _is_ a maternal figure in Rose’s life. She’s the closest thing to a mother she’s ever known and, in a few years, Rose won’t remember that at one point, Maddie wasn’t actually present in her life. But actually saying _that_ word, she just doesn’t know if he’ll be okay with that because she’s not but she is at the same time and it’s this complex situation that causes an unbridled panic to rise within her that she tries to shake off for the sake of the little girl squirming in her arms.

“I love you, too.” She finally settles on whispering, fingers brushing through the Rose’s long, dark hair as she pushes it behind her ear and smiles at her. It’s Chimney’s place to talk to her about it and Maddie isn’t even sure she knows what to say anyway as she reverts back to the soft singing and the rocking until she’s soundly asleep in her arms. Even for a while after she doesn’t move, she’s not sure she’s at all capable of it as she thinks about the very first feeling she’d had when Rose had uttered that single word. It’s not the first time she’s heard it in the context of their relationship but it was different hearing it in that way. She’d always been a “good mommy” or “the best mommy”. This was different. And for a second until she realised it might make Chimney uncomfortable, all she felt was joy.

It’s almost one in the morning when Chimney walks through the door of their apartment, long after Maddie has untangled herself from the exhausted little girl and left her to sleep in their bed. Her hands wrapped around her third hot chocolate as she tries to calm her nerves, chewing down on her lip as she waits. He had finished his shift an hour before but he’d text her telling her he was going to be late because he needed to shower and drop Hen off because she had been falling asleep just as they were finishing their shift. He was a good friend, an even better father and an amazing boyfriend, so she knows he’s not going to have an _awful_ reaction. But then again, she hadn’t seen the fact he didn’t want anymore children coming, so she’s more than a little on edge the more she lets herself think about it.

“You’re still awake.” He’s exhausted, she can tell by the way his body is hunched over when he walks through the door and by the sound of his voice. She also knows it’s unlikely he’s going to get much sleep with the feverish girl lying between them.

“I-I need to speak to you,” Maddie finds herself saying, despite the fact she can tell he clearly wants to dive past her and check on his daughter, “Rose is asleep…” She quickly points out, “Her fever is coming down and she hasn’t vomited in a few hours, I think the worst of it has passed. Can I speak to you for just five minutes?” It’s the way his eyes nervously glance towards the corridor, where his daughter is snoring away in their room, the distinct sound of which can be heard from where they’re standing in the kitchen after she’d left the door open just in case.

There’s a moments hesitation until she can see the worry on his face, quickly replaced by panic that she doesn’t truly understand. Whatever is going through his head right then, she’s not sure if what she’s about to say is going to be any better or any worse but she pushes past it anyway, taking a deep breath when she pulls the steaming mug a little closer to her chest. “Um, I um—”

“Are you leaving me?”

The nerves and the fear are all too quickly replaced by confusion when she scrunches up her nose and shakes her head, “N-no? I… why would you—” He’s looking around in a panic, as though he’s looking for some sort of clue that she’s about to walk out of that door and it’s the only reason she lets go of the mug she had been clinging to, just to step a little closer to him. “Rose called me mommy, I’m not—I just thought that you’d want to know, to talk to her or—”

Chimney’s shoulders visibly deflate and at least his eyes have stopped moving around the room enough to settle on her face with a frown. Because he hates the idea, she quickly decides, taking a deep breath, “I-I didn’t encourage her and I know that I’m not, I know that—but I didn’t tell her… I didn’t think it was my place to tell her _not_ to or if it was okay, because we’ve not really discussed the actual use of that word but I thought you should know so you could—”

“Rose told me.” He finally interrupts her rambling, closing the gap between them so he can press a hand to either side of her face before his lips press against her forehead, brushing down the skin until he reaches the tip of her nose. “Yesterday, we talked about it and what it means and how it’s okay to feel that way because she feels that way about you. We were meant to talk to you about it to make sure _you_ were okay with it before but—she’s sick and she’s three, and she was so excited because you’re her mom.” Any attempt she’d made to stop the tears from falling are forgotten as she looks up at him with big, brown eyes, gulping down the lump that had formed in her throat hours before from the second she realised they needed to have this conversation.

“You read her bedtime stories and you cook with her and you look after her when she’s sick and you play princesses with her—you do everything with her and for her that a mom does. You love her and she loves you. You’re the only mom she’s ever known.”

Slowly, Maddie nods her head, she’s been in Rose’s life for over a year and whilst things had moved fast between her and Chimney and she’d settled easily into the little family that she adores so much and quickly became a part of, she realises that her head is quick to go to the ‘it’s too good to be true’ place. “You’re not mad?” She finally whispers, even though she knows the answer but she needs to hear it from him.

“No, I’m not mad, Maddie. I wanted to make sure it was something you wanted because I know—it’s not exactly what you want but…” It’s the first reference to their discussion in weeks, and she’s quick to wrap her arms tightly around his waist, head moving to his chest in an attempt to avoid that conversation so she can let the happiness fill her heart instead.

“As long as it’s okay with you.”

Lips are against the top of her head and she finds herself easily melting into his touch when arms wrap equally as tightly around her body. “Of course it is, we’re family.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie and Chimney are having a little... adult fun when Rose wakes up from a nightmare.

Lips are against her neck, their bodies pressed together as her nails dig into his shoulders, completely lost in the moment, just the two of them. Their eyes meet and Maddie can’t help but smile at the man looking down at her before her smile is covered by his, “Daddy? Mommy?”

That blissful moment they had been lost in is over almost immediately, his lips no longer on hers, his body no longer in the bed just as the door opens and a bleary-eyed three year old walks into the room, one arm clutching her teddy bear and the other one resting on the handle of the door. If she’s at all confused or concerned by the fact her dad is lying on the floor, clutching at the remnants of the blanket he can grab from the bed with one hand and rubbing the back of his head with the other or Maddie hiding beneath the bed sheets as she laughs, she doesn’t show it.

Instead, she steps a little more into the room, her bottom lip out in a pout as she looks between the two adults, “Been calling you and calling you.” The guilt is enough, at least for a moment, to stop Maddie’s laughter, unable to entirely remove the sight of her panicked boyfriend’s face as he dived from their original position in the bed to the floor, smacking his head on the way down.

“We’ll come tuck you back in, just give us a second.” At least Chimney regains his composure a little quicker than Maddie does, grinning at him when she watches him sit up, the sheets wrapped tightly around his naked body, a grimace on his lips as he looks at his daughter who hasn’t stepped back out of the room.

“Stay here tonight.”

She hadn’t thought it possible for her boyfriend to get any redder than he already was, but he quickly proves her wrong when he’s shaking his head and looking at her with a desperation in his eyes as though somehow, she’ll know exactly what to do. As though he’s forgetting that she’s also entirely naked and not even slightly willing to move from the bed, tension rising in her chest as she holds back the laughter. “Not tonight, little star, mommy and daddy aren’t tired yet so we were just—” Her brain scrambles for some sort of terrible excuse, knowing whatever she says, Rose will believe her, “reading a book out loud… to each other… wouldn’t want to keep you awake when you have school in the morning.”

“You have work.”

There’s that stubbornness she adores so much, scrunching up her nose as she finally looks suspicious of the position she’d found her parents in just a moment before. “That’s right, I—”

“The difference is, we’re grown ups and you’re three, so get back to bed, daddy will be there in a second.” Ah, Chimney is a little better at the tougher stance than she is (only a little and thankfully from years of practice of having to be both good cop and bad cop) because Maddie is entirely certain she’d have gone round in circles with the little girl all night if given half the chance. At least Rose picks up the tone with a huff, her eyes narrowing as she looks between her parents, gaze finally settling on Chimney.

“Why are you sitting on the floor?”

“No changing the subject, go back to your room, I’ll be there now.”

Maddie can’t help but feel some amusement by the stubbornness of the two Han’s as they stare at each other, waging a bet in her own head that it’s going to be Chimney who looks away first. Identical eyes staring into each other’s until Rose yawns and the silent battle is won by her rather smug looking boyfriend when the toddler steps back. “Night, mommy. Hurry up, daddy.”

It’s not until he hears the padding across the corridor that he dares to stand up, the look on his face only forcing the laughter to fall again as Maddie shakes her head. “Oh, honey, quick reflexes there. Impressive.”

“Shut up.” The grumble and the pout as he yanks up his previously discarded boxers (back to front, but she’s not going to point that out) only makes her laugh harder and louder, as she tightens her grip on the bed sheets that cover her, watching as he rubs the back of his head and grumbles about the floor being hard as he drags his feet along the carpet.

“Hurry back.”

“Daddy, hurry up!”

Maddie settles back into the warmth of the bed, giggling to herself when he slinks out of the door with a grumble of being surrounded by bossy women and a roll of his eyes. At least, as a family, they’d never know boredom, she supposes, grinning to herself as she waits for him to come back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie tries not to let a conversation with another school mom ruin her day.

“Mommy, am okay, promise!” Maddie pouts as she looks at the little girl, pressing her finger against the little girl’s nose before she shakes her head. It’s her first day back since her little sickness bug the week before and she can’t help but feel a little protective. It’s not the first time she’s been sick whilst she’s been in her life but it is the first time since she’d started calling her mommy.

It sounds awful but Maddie is going to miss having her around, having taken the last few days off work to just watch movies together and snuggle on the couch. Putting aside the fact that Rose had spent it not feeling too good, it had been nice, the three of them during the day and the two of them at night whilst Chimney worked a few night shifts. Really, holding back her long hair as she threw up and rubbing her back, getting up at three in the morning to clean the bed sheets, seeing a whole new stubborn and irritable version of Rose had been the reality check she needed. _That_ was what motherhood was, way beyond the cute picnic dates and the painting each other’s nails and cooking together. It was finally starting to feel real, she felt more grounded than she had in months.

Did it alleviate the longing she still felt to have another little Han running around the place? No. If anything, she wanted it more than she had before but she couldn’t voice that out loud to the man who wouldn’t even entertain the idea because it wasn’t what he wanted. And she couldn’t even hate him for that, knowing she could leave if she wanted, if it really meant that much to her then she would walk out of the door and not look back for anyone other than Rose but she stays. She just wishes she could understand why he wouldn’t want another mini-him giving them even more joy. They can never have too much joy in their lives, right?

“I know, I know, little star, just checking.” She presses her lips to Rose’s cheek, slyly pressing a hand to her forehead for the hundredth time that morning before she finally stands up. Her attention only diverted by an unfamiliar voice next to them when she soothes down the stray hairs from where Rose had insisted on doing her own hair that morning.

“Are you Rose’s mom?” Maddie’s eyes meet those of blue eyed, red head, standing next to them with her own hand on a little girl’s head who is shyly waving up at her.

Unlike every other time she’s been asked that same question or people have just assumed, there’s no hesitation this time when she outstretches her hand for the woman, with a smile, “That’s me.” She grins down at the little girl who’s beaming up at her, “I’m Maddie, you must be Jessica’s mom.” She recognises the other little girl as one of Rose’s best friends and the photographs of her birthday party a few months ago that Maddie hadn’t been able to make it to because of work.

“Sarah, I’ve been trying to get hold of your husband,” Maddie doesn’t correct her, biting down on her lip, “to organise a play date between these two but he’s notoriously difficult to get hold of.”

“He’s been working a lot lately, we’re saving for a house and he’s not exactly the best at checking his phone unless it’s an emergency. But I’ll give you my number, we can sort something out.” This is another part of being a parent, organising little things like this and making friends with other parents and she can feel the nervousness and the excitement building up inside of her at the same time when she types her number into the phone the woman hands over to her. “I work shifts too but I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

The woman seems kind enough, although Maddie has seen enough television and heard enough drama amongst the other nurses and doctors at work to know that there’s a clique and she’s most definitely on the outside of it at the moment and she has no idea what Sarah’s standing within the ‘community’ is. But there’s a bright smile on Rose’s face as she looks down at her and she can feel that overwhelming love inside of her that tells her she’ll do anything. Even put up with two-faced mom’s if she has to.

“Mommy, can I go to school now?” The innocent voice of the three year old sounds, causing Maddie to let out a laugh before she nods her head and kneels back down to give her one more check over.

“You’re definitely sure you feel all better?”

“I told you!” There’s that stubborn streak as her nose scrunches up, finally moving to wrap her arms tightly around Maddie’s shoulder who reciprocates by wrapping hers around her waist when she laughs.

“You did, you did tell me, just going to miss you.” Luckily, both she and Chimney were off that day and they had plans that involved her waking him up when she gets back from the school run, so they can start working out some boring finances to find somewhere bigger for the three of them. She’s entirely certain there are better ways to spend their only day off together in a week but responsibilities were calling and she so, so desperately wanted to work out if they could afford the one and only house she had fallen in love with.

The second she moves to stand up, Rose is taking her friends hand in her own and pulling her towards the building without so much as a goodbye and all Maddie can do is laugh and roll her eyes when she turns back to the woman. “It was nice meeting you.”

“You too, Rose is a wonderful little girl.”

Maddie beams at the compliment, nodding her head, “Howie can take full credit for that one, she’s just a mini version of him.” It causes an all too familiar pang in her stomach when she thinks about how _their_ biological child would have Rose’s kindness and her sense of humour. Quickly followed by the wave of guilt that always comes afterwards because his three year old was so perfect in every single way possible and that should be enough, she should be more than enough but… there she is, is wanting more.

It feels selfish and stupid and she wishes she could just let it go, taking a deep breath when she climbs into her car and tries to push it aside so they can have a nice day together. The first day, just the two of them, in a while. Rose was too good a buffer so they could ignore the wall that was slowly building between them because she didn’t understand why he couldn’t just discuss the topic with her beyond just not wanting another child and he couldn’t understand why she would stay if he couldn’t give her what she wanted.

“Do not let this ruin your day.” She mumbles to herself as she pulls away from the building, wanting to start it on a good note considering he hadn’t even opened his eyes when she’d left that morning. It was going to be a good day, they needed a _good_ day together.


End file.
